Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
