im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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