I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
