You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
