Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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