I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
