I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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