oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
