My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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