how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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