please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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