sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
