She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
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I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
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He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
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