I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
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Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
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How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize