This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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