Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize