Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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