So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
