he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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