It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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