I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
