Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
my poor anus
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
