did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
