my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
