umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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