Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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