I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize