I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
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No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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