Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
