No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
