I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Randomize
