She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
