if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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