You're my little dorito
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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