im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
