During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
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There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend