can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
where does the pee come out of this thing
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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