we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
