you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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