I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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