Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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