why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Rumble strips road head = magical
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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