does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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