Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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