I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize