I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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