now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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