If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
