She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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