I looked at my own cervix.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
