That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
