Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
