What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
