I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
