Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
