We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
